I first posted my feelings on babies (and the pressure around having them), shortly after Hank and I were married. Some things have changed, and some things haven't. I still have days where I think-why in the world would we want to change our perfect little life together?! We get to do what we want, when we want- and it's really a nice way to live.
Then there are the days that we get together with family, and I see Hank playing with my niece and nephew, and know that it would just be wrong for us to not give parenthood a shot. Sure, there will be some bumps in the road, and things that we give up. But I have no doubt that the two of us would make an awesome parental team. So we've been trying. And trying. And trying some more. And it just hasn't worked yet.
Talking about making babies doesn't seem to be much of the norm. Neither does talk of miscarriages, and other things that go wrong. But I know I'm not the only one who gets sad each month when I'm so rudely reminded by Mother Nature that it hasn't worked again. It still blows my mind every time I read how someone gets knocked up totally by accident. If only it were that easy for everyone.
I turned 38 this past December, and that certainly doesn't help the situation. So I recently went to visit my doctor to see what's going on with my lady parts. After a few unpleasant tests, I got back some positive results. My eggs aren't all gone (yet), and all the plumbing appears to be working correctly. Barring any issues on Hank's side, there doesn't appear to be any serious reason why it shouldn't be working. SO WHY ISN'T IT ALREADY?!
The world of taking temperature, checking ovulation, and having to plan out something that should be much more fun and spontaneous, isn't exactly what I had in mind for my first year of marriage. But it's a necessary evil if anything is ever going to happen, so we'll just keep taking it all in stride.
I know that stressing out about it doesn't really help much. We have pretty much decided though that if it doesn't happen by the time I'm 40, that we won't continue trying. I know plenty of women who have babies after 40, but the higher level of risks and overall aging process makes me feel like we need to determine our threshold for this process. So when people nudge me and say "when is it your turn?", not having any idea how much we would like for it to be, I can't help but get a little angry, and a little more sad.